1) Why am I not asleep at 2 AM? – I am packing for the high school retreat this weekend. My talk for the retreat is what some would call unfinished. I will say it is done, just in various pieces, some of which are still in my brain. Thank goodness for the 2 hour nap on the couch this evening, which makes this second wind possible.
2) I am looking forward to a Mass this weekend at the retreat with no worries about babies at church. It has been a particularly hard month for some reason. A few weeks ago I walked into Mass while B took the boy on a pre-Mass potty break. I immediately saw there was going to be a baptism, turned with the tears stinging my eyes and waited by the bathroom doors for them to emerge and promptly told my husband that I had to go home immediately. He was a good sport and took me home, but it was a pretty rotten day. We found another Mass to go to that evening. I hate that things like that blind side me; they come out of no where and I have no idea what situations I can handle and which ones will make me cry for a week.
3) We keep talking about fostering to adopt. It scares me. All the unknowns of it really terrify me. And quite frankly I am still so angry that my plan (you know have a house full of babies) isn’t good enough. I keep wanting to speak to our priest about it. However, I am pretty sure his first question will be about our prayer life and mine has not been very consistent lately. Adopting an older child, though we are pretty sure we want X to remain the oldest in the house, would make sense in filling the age gap that makes my heart hurt. The boy would be 6 at the very earliest before a sibling would arrive.
4) I am finally learning the Creighton model. I found an instructor via Skype through Pinterest, of all places. It was strange how it all came about. At first charting was a bit of an exciting experiment but now the second month in it is already getting old. Perhaps some of it is frustration that the chart makes very visible the fact my body is not working.
5) The boy wrote a love note to one of his classmates. She is his best friend. I was taken by surprise at his boldness and was very much relieved when he told me that he felt to embarrassed to give it to her. He still says he thinks he would like to be a priest so he doesn’t have to kiss girls. I can not believe how much he is growing up.
6) Kindergarten is stressing me out. All of it, homework, the boy being a space cadet at school and not finishing his work. I know he is one of the youngest in his class and I wonder if we should have waited another year before sending him. He is bright and doing well, but he is also ALL boy and sitting at a desk doing worksheets all day is hard for him. I am struggling with the decision to repeat this year or not. The problem is he is currently in a magnet school and I doubt they will allow him to repeat at his current school. So we might have to give up food so we can afford tuition at our parish school.
7) I have been struggling with trying to understand God’s will for me. Usually it seems like a giant effort to know what I should be doing. I am always looking at the big picture stuff – adoption, babies, major life choices etc. While at work on Monday I had the idea that maybe God’s will for me could be as simple as what was in front of me. At the time I was doing surgery ( on a mouse and yes, I have a weird job). I am good at what I do and as I put sutures in I was so very calm and peaceful, just completely focused on the task at hand.
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