I would love to have a house full of children. It has been a dream my husband and I have shared for a long time. Right now though my feedly subscriptions are reminding me what I am missing out on. And it’s just not the Catholic blogs. In the last 2 years nearly every blog I read has just had a baby or recently announced a pregnancy…. And some of have had multiple children in that span. In the last 4 years of waiting I know so many people that have had 3 kids!!!
And all I can think is WHY? I can see important parts of our life that would have never have happened had we had more babies when we wanted. I can find moments where I knew “I am exactly where I am supposed to be.” Moments that wouldn’t have been possible had a baby arrived, but those moments are fleeting and far apart. Then there are the all too frequent moments where I can’t seem to find my breath because I am so tired of waiting and hoping.
Last week I had to comfort my 5 year old who was stalling for bed. He was complaining he was lonely and it wasn’t fair he had to go to bed alone when Mama and Daddy got to share a room and then he started sobbing because he didn’t have any brothers or sisters. Needless to say that night I cried for me and him. I am heartbroken for him. He is a very thoughtful and loving little boy who has been asking for and praying for a brother AND a sister since he could talk. How do I explain to him sometimes God doesn’t answer our prayers in the way we want….when all around him everyone else he knows has siblings?
The last year has been the hardest. Close family have had unexpected, but very welcomed babies. I sat in dread for an hour on Sunday with my youngest sister, who has been married a year, hoping she wasn’t going to announce a pregnancy. I know it is coming. I just am afraid I won’t be able to handle it with much grace. You know, running out of the room crying isn’t the expected reaction to good news.
I regret and question the past. What if we had planned for me to stay home with kids instead of working? What if we never used birth control early on in our marriage, ( we thought we were being responsible if we only new then what we know now)….but what if we missed out on kids we were supposed to have? I am really good at driving myself crazy with those types of questions.
And when I am not doing that I try to look ahead and wonder where we will be in another 4 years. Will I be the mother of one STILL? The age gap…. Oh I HATE the age gap, best case scenario there will be at least a nearly 7 year gap in ages. Even still, I don’t want him to be alone. I don’t want him to have to bury us alone one day. I want him to have siblings to lean on and fight with and really he won’t have that chance even if we have more kids one day because the age separation they won’t be on the same page, ever. I should know. I am 10 years older than my youngest sister and we were never very close. I do remember holding her and telling her stories when she was little. She only ever saw me as an adult. Though now she is married it is a very real possibility that we might have babies close in age together. I would love that…a ton of cousins together on holidays. And then the pessimistic voice in my head says “well if you ever have more babies”.
I feel time slipping away. I will be 33 in September. Quickly approaching that dreaded advanced maternal age….and every year I get further and further away of it being a possibility. All weekend we saw families together on our hike, on facebook, at Mass and it seemed like we were the only family with just one child. I so often feel like I don’t count as a “real” mother when talking to other moms who have their hands and houses full of kids.