Will it get any easier?

6 years ago today I was pacing the floor waiting for B to take a shower so we could head to the hospital.  I thought my water had broken, but wasn’t sure.  I was so nervous, so unsure of what the next days held and so full of anticipation.

Every birthday of X’s that I get further away from that day the more surreal it seems. In those 6 hours I found power and strength in myself I did not know I possessed.  Even now I wonder if it was real.  Did I really have a baby?  It all seems like a fairy tale.  

He is very, very real. Wild and crazy full of imagination. Currently he loves dressing up as superheros and villains.  He is a first grader and can read and tells fantastic stories and comes up with imaginative explanations.

  But I thought there would be more babies to hold and nurse and there aren’t and my only baby is growing up so fast.  I want to freeze time, well at least when he is being sweet.  Every year it seems worse.  Would him growing up hurt less if I had more children?

 Will this ever get any easier?  Waiting for what may never happen?  Being stuck …..so stuck.  Listening to my child pray for a brother and a sister and then try to explain that God doesn’t always answer our prayers in the way we expect. Trying to hide my tears when he asks (weekly!) “when are w going to get our baby?”   

Right now at this moment it seems to be more than I can handle.  


I feel so completely broken.  




2 thoughts on “Will it get any easier?

  1. Pingback: 7 Quick Takes: School,Birthdays, Unemployment and other Craziness | Untangling Chaos

  2. Pingback: Week in My Life: Friday | Untangling Chaos

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