I never know when it is going to hit or how bad it is going to be. That familiar ache has been with me a lot lately. B pulled out a shirt that he hasn’t been able to fit into for a while and he remembered it was the shirt he wore at the hospital when I had our son. So the ache has been there all week anyway. We have been enjoying a nice spring break. X lost his first tooth, visited his 7th state and he could read the menu when we went out to dinner on Sunday night. I love that he is growing but it makes me so sad that he is missing out on a sibling.
I thought I was fine. We have a plan. I am trying to accept whatever God’s will is. I wonder how long it will take for the ache to go away. I think maybe it is getting easier, maybe I am coming to terms with things as they are.
Then tonight I am at the grocery store, I managed to not buy all the cute and fantastic things I wanted to buy. I was ready to check out and then the only lane without a crowd and I am behind a cart with a car seat in it with the tiniest newborn baby girl. So tiny and perfect with a yellow bow on the dark fuzz of her head. And the tears just started rolling down my face. I couldn’t help it as the hot tears streamed down my cheeks as I checked out. By the time I finally got into the car I was bawling.
Why do I want something SO much that I can’t have? Why does this hurt so badly? How can any good come of this? I desperately want a baby and I desperately want X to have a sibling( or 3). I have no idea if God’s answer is “NO” or “not right now”. THAT fact drives me crazy!
I guess it is fitting as we walk through Holy Week that feeling so isolated and forgotten helps me have a glimpse of the Lord’s suffering.