Today I am drowning.

I never know when it is going to hit or how bad it is going to be.  That familiar ache has been with me a lot lately.  B pulled out a shirt that he hasn’t been able to fit into for a while and he remembered it was the shirt he wore at the hospital when I had our son.   So the ache has been there all week anyway.  We have been enjoying a nice spring break.  X lost his first tooth, visited his 7th state and he could read the menu when we went out to dinner on Sunday night.  I love that he is growing but it makes me so sad that he is missing out on a sibling.

I thought I was fine.  We have a plan.  I am trying to accept whatever God’s will is.  I wonder how long it will take for the ache to go away.   I think maybe it is getting easier, maybe I am coming to terms with things as they are.

Then tonight I am at the grocery store, I managed to not buy all the cute and fantastic things I wanted to buy.  I was ready to check out and then the only lane without a crowd and I am behind a cart with a car seat in it with the tiniest newborn baby girl.  So tiny and perfect with a yellow bow on the dark fuzz of her head.  And the tears just started rolling down my face.  I couldn’t help it as the hot tears streamed down my cheeks as I checked out.  By the time I finally got into the car I was bawling.

Why do I want something SO much that I can’t have?  Why does this hurt so badly?  How can any good come of this?   I desperately want a baby and I desperately want X to have a sibling( or 3).   I have no idea if God’s answer is “NO” or “not right now”.  THAT fact drives me crazy!

I guess it is fitting as we walk through Holy Week that feeling so isolated and forgotten helps me have a glimpse of the Lord’s suffering.

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